Sunday, 23 November 2014
My penchant for feeling empty, is full. My longing to be filled, is vast. And daily I sit with words, dancing with Word, engaging in fear, ennui, disgust, and awe. Awe-full. And the fullness seeps in slowly. Slowly. Slowly. I dance with words and covet the intellect of those whom I read. Seething to feel the joy they must surely have felt at making sense of their lives; doing so via their pens and penchant to think clearly, to articulate clearly, to be read, to be understood. As this swirl of ennui and self-doubt sups and seethes and swims, another swirl invites itself into the emptiness. A gentle, generous swirl. Into my cell of gravity, enters trust, enters surrender, enters grace. Ever so slowly followed by gratitude. Sawbonna is the AWE-FULL-NESS that affords this gift. Sawbonna reminds me that no matter my deepest, darkest dread, my very emptiness is the space which can be filled. Filled with tenderness, filled with kindness, filled with a knowing that my very emptiness is the generous reflection of how it is I am in relationship. What Martin Buber terms, "I and Thou." And "I and Thou," means that the emptiness can be filled for we are in relationship with each other, and with the very Mystery that refuses to judge us into a hell of utter loneliness. This is a kenotic dance of hope, whereby words do not always hold sway, for the emptiness is, in and of itself, the very doctrine that "knows" us.